GOSSIP -- Please read below and tell me if you agree with the answer given.

Can't Stop Gossiping!

Q: At the beginning of the new year, I resolved to stop gossiping. For some reason, it's so hard for me to bite my tongue and not get caught up in the snare of talking about other people. I know it's not right, but no matter how much I want to change, I keep reverting to my old ways. Is there any way to break this habit once and for all?

A: Most people who gossip aren't seeking to disparage another human being. They gossip because they want to be connected with and valued by other people. In divulging "inside" information, you become connected through the shared secret. Because you know more than others, you may feel elevated or valued in their eyes. Who doesn't like to feel valued? While the temptation to gossip is understandable, the fact remains: It's wrong. So how do we find ways to meet our need for belonging without sacrificing someone else's reputation in the process?

The only way to break a bad habit is to feed the need at its root. By identifying what benefit you derive from gossiping about others, you may discover some basic needs that are going unmet. Perhaps your self-esteem is flagging, or you're feeling left out. No matter how old we get, that girlhood need to be part of the "in" group never goes away.

Once you've identified the real need you're trying to fill, you can work on meeting it in healthy, productive ways. And you can practice a new way of communicating with others. To break one habit, you need to replace it with a new pattern. Try to identify patterns in the times you're most tempted to gossip. Are you the gossip initiator, or do you get sucked into others' gossip sessions? Are there certain people with whom you fall into this habit more easily? I've noticed that sometimes when I feel insecure socially, I fall into the same pattern as whomever I'm talking with. If they tend to talk negatively about events and people, I chime in on that level. We tend to mirror what we hear and see in others, again often as a way to identify and connect with them.

The next time you're with a person or group that you're typically tempted to gossip with, be prepared to switch topics. You can head off a full-blown gossip session by changing subjects completely. Say something like, "Did you see Oprah today?" If the conversation still turns to gossiping, particularly if it's about an individual you all know, try to deflect responses with phrases like, "That surprises me. I've never seen her act like that before. She must have been having a really bad day." In this way, you're not contributing to the negativity, and you're admitting the reality that we all do things out of character.

For more help on how to break bad habits, visit TodaysChristianWomanStore.com. We've just added a new download called Breaking Bad Habits. It provides an extensive look at all kinds of habits women struggle with and ways to effectively eliminate them. Ultimately, only God can do a transforming work in us. With his strength and some good tools to guide you, we're confident you'll have at least one less item on your New Year's resolutions list for next year!

Here's to good habits!

Marian V. LiautaudManaging Editor, Women's and Family ResourcesChristianity Today International


Please leave a comment as to your opinion of this answer.